Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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