my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Never joke about your clitoris.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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