Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
