Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
