I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The best revenge is premature balding
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
