if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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