Please, let me fuck your mom
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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