I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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