I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
