hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
