I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
