woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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