did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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