I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
