you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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