Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
