Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
