he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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