I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
