I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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