I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
