just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
