I cockslap morals
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize