Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
