I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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