my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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