He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
