so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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