My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
