im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
