when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize