Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
