This is not my ceiling
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
