Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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