when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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