Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
