Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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