so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
