So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
