Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
