Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
