Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
