he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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