nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Umm I'm too high to move.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
my liver is dry heaving
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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