I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize