If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
