Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize