is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
