My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
