I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
this hospital has no fireball
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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