I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
