i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
