NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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