just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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