i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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