The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
