Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
