you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
