He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
