apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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