dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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