just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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