Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just googled if crying burns calories
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I AM VODKA MAN
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize